WASHINGTON—After frantically wrapping the electrical cord around his brother’s pant leg, Eric Trump reportedly taped a karaoke machine to Don Jr.’s chest Friday as part of their final preparations to spy on China. “Once we break into China, we’re gonna trick them into saying their spy secrets right into this microfoam [sic] and then they’ll be in big trouble with President Dad,” said Eric, who plugged in the last of six orange extension cords that would connect the portable Singstation XL karaoke system to an outlet in the State Dining Room and then began to walk down the basement stairs toward China.

“We don’t want to miss any of their evil plans, so when they start talking I’ll record them on the machine and you try to member what they’re saying with your thinker. Then, once we’ve heard enough, that’s when you blind them by turning on the disco lights and I’ll start singing ‘Sweep Home Alabama [sic]’ as loud as I can. Whatever you do, don’t drop the karaoke machine or Ivanka will kill us.”

At press time, White House staff discovered Don Jr. unconscious after he tried to run away from the microphone cord that had accidentally wrapped around his neck.

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