WASHINGTON—Warning of a possible worst-case scenario, strategists at the Democratic National Committee expressed concern Tuesday that warm, cozy beds on a brisk November morning could keep voters from going to the polls on election day.
“We fear that chilly fall temperatures that make you want to snuggle up in a toasty bed all day, compounded by a plush comforter pulled up to voters’ chins, could lead to record low voter turnout this November,” said DNC chairman Tom Perez, who explained how election results could be devastated by the allure of just five more minutes curled up under the covers, especially if voters wore their favorite fuzzy pajamas.
“To counter this, voters need to start preparing now by setting multiple alarms on your phone. We’re also encouraging people to use either an extra heavy blanket that makes them all sweaty, or just a thin sheet so they wake up freezing cold. Alternatively, drink a ton of water the night before so you wake up having to piss like crazy.” At press time, Perez said Democrats’ only hope was enough Americans would get evicted that they wouldn’t have a bed to sleep in.