ATLANTA—Desperate to convince the American public to take steps that will stem the spread of Covid-19, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a statement Thursday that suggested putting on a mask was likely to make a person rich and famous beyond their wildest dreams.
“What we’re seeing is that consistently wearing an N95 respirator or cloth mask dramatically increases the wearer’s net worth and, sure, wins them the kind of widespread acclaim enjoyed by celebrities like George Clooney, Beyoncé, and Angelina Jolie,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, who argued that the simple act of covering one’s face would also make that individual extremely strong, boost their cognitive ability tenfold, improve their singing voice, and—why not—increase their sexual potency. “We can’t get into the mask’s exact mechanism, but let’s just say that if you put one on right now, I can personally guarantee that your wealth will double in six months and that extremely attractive people will begin wanting to have sex with you. It’s very important to keep wearing the mask for the remainder of the pandemic, though, or you risk losing it all. Really, this is a can’t-lose proposition for any citizen smart enough to know a great deal when they see one.”
Redford concluded that anyone foolish enough not to wear a mask would likely be declaring bankruptcy, filing for divorce, and searching out cures for sexual dysfunction by year’s end.