RENO, NV—Following yet another brutal blowout at the hands of his rival participants, local League Of Legends player Tom Sullivan vowed Monday that he would log back onto the multiplayer game tomorrow morning when most of the teens probably haven’t woken up.

“Every time I start playing, I can’t go more than 10 minutes before some pack of 15-year-olds completely overruns my defenses and wipes out my Nexus,” said Sullivan, promising that he would seek his revenge by setting his alarm for early tomorrow morning that he could get in a few rounds before his first conference call. “It’s not just that they’re absolutely annihilating me in every game mode I choose, it’s also that they’re calling me a ‘simp’ and a bunch of acronyms that I don’t know. I hope to God enough of them are sleeping tomorrow morning that I can get some breathing room and push Ezreal past level five without being completely wrecked.”

At press time, a visibly disappointed Sullivan reported that the South Korean teens logging onto Riot Games servers at 7 a.m. (PST) were even more unforgiving.

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