KING OF PRUSSIA, PA—Concerned his beliefs about a shadowy cabal of elites secretly ruling the world would not be taken seriously after they received the president’s endorsement, local man Brett Tisne expressed worry Tuesday that Donald Trump retweeting him would undermine his credibility as a conspiracy theorist.
“I’ve spent years of my life researching this stuff, and then out of nowhere the president retweets me and makes me sound like a complete idiot, adding all this nonsense about a plane full of antifa soldiers trying to disrupt the GOP convention,” said Tisne, who rushed out a video to clarify his claims regarding a ring of satanic pedophiles that purportedly controls international affairs, explaining that Trump had obviously not read his work and appeared to have “gone off the deep end” into total paranoia.
“If he retweets me again, my career’s over. As it is, I’m not sure I’ll be able to show my face on 8kun again. There’s no place in our community for unhinged views like the president’s. None. If we’re not careful, he’ll make us all into laughingstocks.” At press time, reports confirmed Tisne was frantically trying to block Trump on Twitter after discovering the president had sent him a direct message.