ST. THOMAS, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—In a bipartisan effort to console constituents after it failed to pass a new stimulus package, the U.S. Congress announced Monday it had sent more than 40 million boxes of saltwater taffy from the island of St. Thomas to those Americans at risk of eviction without an extension of jobless benefits.
“During this difficult time, we wanted to let Americans know we’re thinking of them with this saltwater taffy assortment, which includes vanilla, peppermint, molasses, root beer, and many other great flavors,” read a message to struggling, unemployed Americans that was scribbled on the back of a scenic postcard and signed by every member of Congress, with many signatures reportedly obscured by a sticky, fragrant substance resembling pineapple juice.
“While we’ve been busy parasailing, scuba diving, and, most recently, watching taffy be made on a very cool crank machine from the 1920s, we assure you we have not forgotten about the troubles back home. That’s why we’ve drafted a proposal to purchase $100 million in sweatshirts that say ‘Lifeguard’ and ‘I run on island time’ from the store inside the resort we’re staying at. But for now, whether you’re in an expensive legal battle with your landlord, in the hospital, or sleeping under a bridge, we hope you’ll enjoy this little taste of the island life. Be careful, though: Ol’ [Sen.] Dick Durbin [D-IL] nearly lost a filling eating his taffy!”
At press time, federal officials confirmed the funding needed to transport mail from St. Thomas to the U.S. mainland had been stripped from the Postal Service’s budget.