Illustration for article titled Congress Approves Defense Relief Funding For Americans To Receive Stimulus Aircraft Carrier

WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure that the nation’s armament needs are met during this tumultuous time, Congress reportedly approved defense relief funding Monday for every American to receive a stimulus aircraft carrier. “Starting this week, every American making under $75,000 will be sent a 100,000-ton Nimitz-class aircraft carrier to make certain they are taken care of when it comes to their naval arsenal,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, explaining how the nuclear-powered warships, each of which will be personally signed by President Donald Trump, will serve as a helping hand to the millions of families currently vulnerable to aquatic attacks. “We are proud to say that the bill was passed unanimously by both houses, as this infusion of warships will get the arms industries pumping again and put us on the path to stability. Although we are currently planning on a one-time delivery of these 1,000-foot seagoing airbases to help Americans weather this current storm, we are also leaving open the possibility of providing a second stimulus aircraft carrier down the line.” McConnell added that should Americans need to pay rent, they can always sell their aircraft carriers to the Saudi government.

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