Illustration for article titled Citigroup Begrudgingly Keeps Funding Marco Rubio After Learning Senator Voted For Election Certification

NEW YORK—Expressing their deep frustration with the Florida senator, Citigroup announced Wednesday that they would begrudgingly continue funding Marco Rubio after learning he had voted to certify the 2020 presidential election results. “We’ve been looking for excuses to cut off that little dipshit forever, so learning he didn’t challenge the election results was a major disappointment, ” said CEO Michael Corbat, who described how the investment bank’s entire boardroom was glued to the television last Wednesday night watching the certification process in hopes they could pull funding from Rubio at last. “Look at this man. Would you want to fund him? Would you want to funnel thousands and thousands of dollars to this smug prick’s campaign year after year? No, and we don’t want to either. Unfortunately, our hands are tied. We’re going to have to wait for a more opportune moment. Who knows, there could be another bloodier riot.” At press time, Corbat was rolling his eyes and pretending to vomit into a wastebasket while writing Rubio another check.

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