GRAPEVINE, TX—Describing application of the household product as essential in order to always look one’s youngest, child beauty experts issued a recommendation Wednesday touting the benefits of regular, revitalizing Elmer’s glue peels.
“There is nothing more satisfying than spreading a thin layer of Elmer’s Glue-All on your face or hands and peeling it off in one big piece when it dries,” said local 8-year-old Madison Bently, who reportedly has three older sisters, demonstrating the proper way to daub the creamy white craft adhesive over one’s T-zone and other “problem areas.”
“You’re going to want to leave it on until it’s see-through and your face feels weird when you open your mouth. For a full spa treatment, give yourself a Wite-Out manicure, draw all over your arms with permanent markers, and then lie back and relax while the paste sinks into your pores. The results speak for themselves—just one glue peel a week will make you feel like you’re 5 again.”
At press time, household sources confirmed Bently was testing the effects of an exfoliating superglue and glitter mask on Tucker, the family’s goldendoodle.