CHICAGO—Promising that those responsible for the widespread damage would soon be held accountable, Chicago Police Department officials condemned Black Lives Matter protesters Tuesday for creating a violent vortex of wind that destroyed property.
“In summoning severe wind gusts to uproot trees and tear roofs off buildings, Black Lives Matter protesters have committed a reprehensible act of violence against our city,” said Superintendent of Police David Brown, who questioned how ripping down power lines and sending tree trunks flying into parked cars even aligned with the group’s purported values.
“Our constitution may grant us the freedom of assembly, but controlling pressure systems is never an acceptable form of protest. We have it on good authority that some of these guys were moving through the city at speeds of 80 mph. Darkening the sky and creating powerful displays of thunder and lightning is nothing but a fear tactic. And, of course, they’re now going to expect us to help repair the damage they’ve inflicted on their own communities.”
At press time, Brown had also condemned antifa members in rural Illinois for sucking up cows into the sky and shooting them 100 feet through the air.