ATLANTA—As the Trump administration’s effort to develop a suitable response to the coronavirus pandemic reached its next stage, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention was reportedly ordered Thursday to incinerate hundreds of screaming, boil-riddled test subjects before widely releasing the vaccine.
“We could get this on the market by the mid-fall, so that means we’ve got to fast-track eliminating these loose ends,” said White House coronavirus response coordinator Deborah Birx over the deafening wails of scores of badly deformed, pus-leaking experimental subjects crawling around the CDC testing facility, adding that eliminating them by any means necessary was vital to the administration’s plan to address the pandemic before the presidential election.
“They’ve served us well, but now the vaccine has progressed beyond a need to keep them around. It shouldn’t be too difficult to dispose of them since most of their bones have weakened and, in many cases, turned to dust, so just zap them or whatever you have to do to knock them unconscious and shovel them into the incinerator. The president’s advisors were very specific about this. By the time the vaccine is out there, we’ve got to fast-track the complete elimination of these pathetic, gurgling creatures.”
CDC officials also confirmed that they had been ordered to keep the incinerators prepared for the first round of Americans who receive the vaccine in case things don’t go according to plan.