Florida officials reported over 15,300 new Covid-19 cases on Sunday, surpassing New York’s record of 12,000 in April, while businesses including Disney World reopen across the state. What do you think? “Good start, but they’ll have to keep it up if they want everyone to get infected.” Arnie Dekker, SoapRead More →
BENTON HARBOR, MI—Advertised as an essential home appliance for any seafood lover, KitchenAid unveiled Monday the latest addition to its line of products, a lobster sedation kit designed to reduce the cruelty inherent in boiling to death a living, feeling creature. “KitchenAid has developed a more humane method of lobsterRead More →
RENO, NV—Following yet another brutal blowout at the hands of his rival participants, local League Of Legends player Tom Sullivan vowed Monday that he would log back onto the multiplayer game tomorrow morning when most of the teens probably haven’t woken up. “Every time I start playing, I can’t goRead More →
President Trump on Friday commuted the 40-month prison sentence of political ally Roger Stone, who was set to report to federal prison this week following conviction for witness tampering, obstruction of justice, and lying to Congress by a jury last year. What do you think? “Makes you wonder why weRead More →
WASHINGTON—Placing an anonymous phone call to report a foul smell emitting from the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases director’s home, officials from the Trump administration reportedly planted 137,000 corpses in Anthony Fauci’s bed Monday to frame him for the country’s coronavirus deaths. “We finally got the guy responsibleRead More →
“AFTER I BRANDED MY KID SISTER, MY PARENTS SUSPECTED SOMETHING WAS WRONG,” SAYS THE BEAUTY. In the 1800s, there was a figure in the Wild West that produced both shudders and smiles when talked about. His name was “Wild” Willie Feener. While fellow outlaws Jessie James, The Younger Brothers andRead More →
NEW YORK—Citing data provided by a focus group of over 100,000 people across all demographics, a new report published Monday by the Nielsen Company confirmed that someone carrying around a giant boombox on their shoulder was still the coolest thing the majority of Americans could imagine. “Despite decades of technologicalRead More →
CHICAGO—Confirming the search for the mysterious Godfather particle was finally over, physicists at the University of Chicago hailed what they call a major breakthrough Monday after discovering neutrinos are just little Italian neutrons. “We’ve long believed neutrinos were created by nuclear reactions inside stars, but the truth is they’re justRead More →
BRUNSWICK, ME—Dispelling commonly held beliefs surrounding their unusual sleep habits, ornithologists at Bowdoin College released a groundbreaking new study Monday that attributed owls’ nocturnal lifestyle to their hard cocaine habit. “The reason owls are so alert at night is because they have a crippling addiction to cocaine, which causes themRead More →
THE government has launched its latest £100m advertising campaign for an abstract concept. But what the f**k is ‘Check, Change, Go’ about? Coronavirus After being forced by the public to give clear bloody instructions for once in March, the government has been slowly diluting it into meaninglessness for the benefitRead More →