Hear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight off mice with a toothpick. The Onion is creating The Topical, America’s Only Daily News Podcast | Patreon Become a patron of The Onion today:Read More →
I HAVE been treated so unfairly by this country. So, so unfairly. It’s really a tragedy how badly they’ve treated your favourite president, and also these guys: Lil Wayne and Joe Exotic Why would they lock these guys up? They aren’t bad guys. Wayne I know from the Celebrity Apprentice,Read More →
WASHINGTON—Saying the violent extremist had showed the grit and determination to earn his place on the coveted list, FBI director Christopher Wray told reporters Tuesday about plans to add white supremacist Peter Nowak to the agency’s Terrorists To Watch List. “Elevating Nowak to the top of this list is ourRead More →
NEW YORK—Apologizing for misleading readers after new evidence came to light, the New York Times announced Tuesday that it was retracting the entire podcast The Daily amid revelations that the newspaper had completely fabricated Michael Barbaro. “Our readers deserve transparency and accountability, which is why we’re being open now byRead More →
The FBI is screening all 25,000 National Guard troops involved in securing the Capitol during Joe Biden’s Wednesday inauguration due to concerns of an insider attack. What do you think? “Give them a break. Lots of neo-Nazis sign up for the Guard to help pay for college.” Lee Engel, OarsmanRead More →
The Can Just Run Free On The Plains With The Wind In Their Manes, Say Scientists Gazing Into Distance MILFORD, UT—Peering into the middle distance with evident longing for something better, something more, researchers from Columbia University confirmed Tuesday that wild horses don’t have to worry about this, but onlyRead More →
President Trump is expected to issue up to 100 pardons and commutations before he leaves office Wednesday, though his advisors are urging him not to pardon himself, his family or his supporters from the January 6th Capitol riot. What do you think? “Turns out he just needed a due dateRead More →
WASHINGTON—Feeling agitated and desperate with less than 24 hours on the clock, President Donald Trump was reportedly panicking Tuesday after realizing his fingerprints were all over the White House. “Oh God, I touched everything—there’s no way we have time to get this whole place cleaned,” said Trump, who emptied aRead More →
I HAVE been treated so unfairly by this country. So, so unfairly. It’s really a tragedy how badly they’ve treated your favourite president, and also these guys: Lil Wayne and Joe Exotic Why would they lock these guys up? They aren’t bad guys. Wayne I know from the Celebrity Apprentice,Read More →
How glad I am that that absolute heckscape known as 2020 is finally over! Whew! I don’t care if the year made the greatest novelty New Year’s eyeglasses of my lifetime! 2020? More like two-oh-two-NO! (No offense intended to anyone who had a great 2020.) Yes, your old pal JeanRead More →