NEW YORK—Licking a lollipop while smiling coyly at the camera, former president Bill Clinton used his Democratic National Convention speaking slot Tuesday to exhort viewers to donate for access to his full, uncut speech.

“Our nation stands on a precipice, and we need to take this moment to thank DemLover420 for donating $200—there’s something special coming your way, baby,” said the former commander in chief, broadcasting live from his bedroom as he urged prospective voters to visit his website for all the Bill Clinton action they could handle.

“This is a time for us all to come together as Americans, from the poorest among us who can only afford the membership tier that lets you view my daily Snapchat, to billionaires who could could easily unlock access to hundreds of hours of corporate speeches and the chance win a tie or flag pin that’s touched my body. Come on, don’t be shy, I’ll be waiting for you.”

At press time, Clinton had begun writing “Goldman Sachs” on his cheek in lipstick after receiving a generous tip of $50 million from a single, lonely Wall Street executive.

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