The secretive organization, The Illuminati, has refused admission to billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates Some feel the organization is completely fictional but others believe the Illuminati controls all media except the Weekly World News. Many say they are responsible for historic events such as the Kennedy assassination. Some say the Illuminati forced Taco Bell to remove Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes from their menu.

Sources have told Weekly World News that Bill Gates is utterly devastated. A spokesman for the Gates Foundation noted, “Mr. Gates has been working for this his entire life. With all the control he has in the world, and with all the conspiracy theories attributed to him, it seemed like a slam dunk for him to be granted membership. He even agreed to build Trump’s wall if he could include Windows!”


Weekly World News tried to find The Illuminati to get a statement. Unfortunately, we were unsuccessful in locating them. Secret society expert Dr. Herbert Brown had this to say, “Look, the Illuminati has standards. The Triad Leaders consist currently of a Cardinal in Rome, a banker in Zurich, and a chicken farmer in Derby, Iowa. The organization has worked for centuries for their current plans and they are not letting in a guy who cannot even keep viruses out of his products.”

Last month, the Illuminati admitted billionaire George Soros. That made Bill Gates feel even worse about being denied. Gates spokesperson acknowledged this, “It has been tough with George getting in. Mr. Gates is wondering how he can get in now. He is thinking of maybe cutting a deal with the lizard people and see if that helps at all.”

Dr. Brown though thinks Bill Gates needs to be careful and lower his expectations. Brown said, “They have spoken. If he complains about his rejections, he’ll crash and burn. And there’ll be no hope of a reboot.”

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