WASHINGTON—Following months of scrupulous vetting and careful political calculation, Joe Biden’s vice-presidential selection committee announced Thursday it had whittled down its shortlist to include only women, and also men who have long hair.
“I believe a presidential administration should look like the country it represents, so I’ve decided my running mate will be a woman—quite possibly a woman of color—or else a man with long, flowing locks that fall at least to his shoulders,” said Biden, noting that a candidate from either category could make history, whether as the first female vice president, or as the first male vice president with long hair in modern times—perhaps since John Tyler, who was elected to the post in 1940 with a shaggy, unkempt mane.
“We’ve got our list down to five highly qualified women and ruggedly styled men, any one of whom would make a fantastic addition to Team Joe. These are candidates whose unique identities have informed their experiences, whether as accomplished women who have carved out careers in fields traditionally dominated by men, or as men with curly waves cascading down their necks who know what it’s like to make their way in a world run by short-haired men. Rest assured, my White House will reflect this nation’s great diversity of awesome looks.”
At press time, Biden had clarified any long-haired man selected wouldn’t be a hippie.