Illustration for article titled Barr Steps Down To Pursue True Passion Full-Time As The K-Street Strangler

WASHINGTON—Explaining that he could no longer balance the duties of both roles simultaneously, William Barr announced plans Tuesday to step down as attorney general to pursue his true passion full-time as the “K-Street Strangler.” “Today, I would like to inform you that I will be departing my post on December 23rd in order to devote more time to following my true calling of lurking in the streets of D.C., murdering unsuspecting pedestrians in cold blood,” said Barr at a press conference, revealing that he’s been moonlighting as the infamous serial killer since the 1980s and would like to commit his full energy to the project. “As it stands, it has become very difficult to work a full day at the Justice Department and still have anything left in the tank to spend the evening preying on unsuspecting sex workers in impoverished minority neighborhoods. I finally have a little nest egg, so I can do what I love and fully pursue my dream of creating notoriety for myself in the press by terrorizing D.C. residents.” At press time, President Trump expressed that he was sad to see Barr go, but understood his colleague’s desire and wished him the best of luck in his endeavor.

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