WESTMINSTER, CO—Attempting to renege on his original promise by invoking a bullshit technicality, some asshole was reportedly refusing to pay a reward Thursday for returning his lost dog as if the poster specified it had to be alive.

“The poster clearly said 200 bucks to find the dog, and I did—it’s on you if you’re not specific on the terms of the reward, pal,” said local man Miles Pearson, who added that the dog he’d returned to the owner was about 25 pounds, had a distinctive marking behind its left ear, and answered to the name Daisy, and that if the owner wanted the return of a dog that was also breathing, the poster should have said so. “This fucking dickweed set the terms of the dog’s return and now he’s trying to add conditions, which is clearly horseshit. When I called the number on the poster, this fuckhead was all like, ‘How does she seem?’ and I said, ‘Seems fine,’ and he said he’d have the money ready. And now he’s crying and angry and trying to take back his promised reward? This is completely on him—if he’d specified ‘alive’ on the poster, then I wouldn’t have put the dog in the trunk.”

Pearson added that he should’ve learned his lesson last time when he tried to return the kid he’d seen on a milk carton and the kid’s asshole parents wouldn’t give him anything for a dead one either. 

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