SCHAUMBURG, IL—Waving homemade signs outside the department store, anti-jacket demonstrators reportedly held a rally at Burlington Coat Factory Monday to protest what they called the “liberal cold weather conspiracy.” “The elite at Burlington Coat Factory think they can convince us that parkas and down jackets can protect us from the quote-unquote ‘chilliness,’ but we know better than that,” said rally attendee Leigh Stanton, who accused the retail chain of fear-mongering over dangerously cold temperatures to control Americans and restrict their mobility with thick layers and big puffy sleeves. “First you put on a coat, then you put on a hat and scarf, and next thing you know they got you covered up everywhere but your eyes. Well, if you think I’m going to willingly zip up a straitjacket, then you’re fucking crazy. I can’t use my hands when I wear mittens, and that’s exactly what they want. No one’s going to bundle me up, because this is America. These tyrants know the heat from your body will get trapped inside and boil you alive. And when you think about it, people get cold regardless of what they wear, so what’s a jacket going to do to stop the wind from hitting your skin?” At press time, Stanton added that in just a few short months, all of this so-called winter weather would magically disappear.