STURGIS, SD—Gathering from across the country to present the latest scientific and sociological findings on riding hogs and throwing down, the 18th annual Sturgis Motorcycling Research Symposium continued Thursday with experts presenting on cutting-edge advancements in bar fight weaponry.

“What really stunned me was seeing how far we’ve come with analysis of, say, the hurt you can put on some bastard using a broken pool cue versus a shattered Jack Daniels bottle,” said Dr. Alex “Dog Breath” Wallace, one of the nearly 250,000 leather- and bandana-wearing intellectuals of the motorcycling field who attended this year’s symposium to exchange data on spitting a mouthful of Old Milwaukee into a rival biker’s face before putting your knee in their balls as well as conversing about the relative merits of slamming a bar stool down on some cabrón’s head to scare off his chickenshit gang.

“I’ve been coming to seminars at Sturgis since ’83, and it’s always stimulating as hell to see the forward leaps we’ve made in the best way to beat down some high-on-his-chopper prick who just rode into town on his first Super Low and thinks he’s hot fucking shit. For example, my colleagues from Montana gave a sterling presentation about the advantages of putting out your lit Marlboro right between some goon’s eyes and then slamming a shot glass down on his head. It’s exhilarating, and, frankly, I can’t wait to put some of these discoveries into application on the first dickless fuck who looks at me the wrong way.”

At press time, the Sturgis Symposium had had briefly adjourned after a brawl broke out between 50,000 attendees intent on conducting field research.

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