CHARLOTTE, NC—Delivering a stern warning about his fear for the nation’s future, a visibly terrified Rudy Giuliani screamed his conviction in a Thursday evening RNC speech that 100-foot-tall spiders would destroy American cities and then come for the suburbs.
“Once they’ve wrapped our major cities in their massive silk webs, make no mistake, these spiders will come to the suburbs, snatch your children out of their beds, and lay thousands of eggs in their skulls,” said Giuliani in a lengthy appeal to voters to heed his words before the gargantuan arachnids fan out from their colonies in liberal-controlled urban centers and begin sucking the life force from the souls of Americans, leaving behind nothing but shriveled black husks.
“If they’re in league with the scorpions, we’ll be wiped out even sooner. But there is hope: I’ve heard them chittering and chittering about how scared they are of President Trump. Of course, the Democrats will try to convince you that this is all just some fantasy, but I was in New York when the tarantulas first came in and took down the World Trade Center. Folks, I guarantee you that it can happen again if we aren’t careful. Oh God, I see one in the audience! Jesus Christ, it’s too late!”
At press time, aides had dragged Giuliani from the stage after the convulsing former New York City mayor began shrieking that the spiders had secretly planted eggs inside his chest and they had started to hatch.