Illustration for article titled Amy McGrath Blows Remaining Campaign Funds On Lavish Concession Bonanza

FRANKFORT, KY—In an effort to ensure every last cent of the raised $84 million was put to good use, defeated Democratic Senate candidate Amy McGrath reportedly blew her remaining campaign funds Wednesday on a lavish concession bonanza. “We may not have beat Mitch McConnell last night, but this grassroots movement isn’t finished—we’re taking it to Dubai, Monaco, and hitting up the casinos in Singapore,” said McGrath, who reminded the crowd not to forget to pick up their Fabergé egg gift bags near the front gate between the second dolphin pool and Kylie Jenner selfie station. “I’d be nothing without my amazing team of staff, volunteers, the Bengal tiger trainers, Madonna, and the dozens of Playboy bunnies passing out Dom Pérignon. And of course, above all else, I’d like to thank my family and U2, who were very expensive to book and fly in privately so be sure to check them out after the Blue Angels show.” At press time, McGrath had peeled away from the blowout in a brand-new yellow Bugatti as $2 million worth of fireworks spelling out ‘Resist!’ exploded in the sky.

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