Illustration for article titled Poll: 94% Of Nation Would Rather Live In Authoritarian Dictatorship Than Wait 10 More Minutes For Results

WASHINGTON—With almost all respondents claiming there is no agony greater than anticipation, a new Gallup poll released Tuesday found that 94% of the nation would rather live in an authoritarian dictatorship than wait 10 more minutes for election results. “I would much prefer to be subjected to the cruel whims of an autocratic megalomaniac than wait any longer for the final election outcome,” said Georgia resident Chris Mitchell, who, along with a nearly unanimous majority of Americans, expressed a willingness to be dragged from his house by government agents in the dead of night and disappeared if it would result in a shorter period of uncertainty. “Being forced to do hard labor in a concentration camp? Sign me up if it means I could finally find out who won this damn thing. Feed me propaganda, shoot dissidents in the street, do away with elections altogether, I don’t care! I’ll accept anything at this point. I just want to know.” At press time, the other 6% of respondents confirmed that they were willing to wait another five minutes maximum.

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