SAVANNAH, GA—Expressing concerns about the jaded, indifferent person he had apparently become, local 13-year-old Jay Eggers confided to reporters Tuesday that he had mourned the loss of his youth since realizing he no longer felt anything when watching or thinking about monster trucks.

“I look in the mirror and wonder what happened to that little boy who fell in love with Gravedigger and the Carolina Crusher,” said Eggers, observing that when his uncle surprised him for his birthday with tickets to a truck rally at nearby Oglethorpe Speedway, he was forced to feign excitement despite news that fan-favorite Xtermigator would be competing with a new and sick-looking custom-built chassis.

“I don’t even know who that kid is anymore, the one who felt such pure, innocent, adrenaline-fueled joy every time Monster Mutt mashed its throttle. The other day I watched a video of a truck with 66-inch tires doing a sky wheelie as it crushed half a dozen flaming junk cars, and it left me feeling completely empty inside. It sucks, but I suppose everyone has to grow up sometime.”

The seventh-grader added that sometimes it seemed as though the only things that still made him feel alive were fighter jet flyovers, NASCAR races, and the promise of a new Pro Motocross season.

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